Balancing Boundaries and Relationships

If you are anything like me finding balance in some things is a challenge. I find what I intensely focus on thrives, but I put so much of my energy into that other aspects of life seem to fall to the wayside. For instance. In the later part of 2019 I felt a shift in my life. I have always been that person that tries to do for everyone. If a friend was having a rough time, had a bad day, had surgery, just needed to talk etc I would make the time to spend with them. Usually that meant later in the evenings after dinner and the kids were in bed. However,  I found that late nights at a friends during the week  led to tired mornings and rough days because I didn't get enough sleep.

I find myself feeling as though every time myself or my family was invited to do something we did it. I would catch myself feeling bad if I didn't take people up on their offer to have dinner with them or go shopping etc. However, I found that saying yes to everything usually ends in burnout and for me feelings of overwhelm and sadness.

Going everywhere and doing everything for and with everyone led to me not managing things at home like I would want, because when we finally were home for a while I was too tired tired to do 4 loads of laundry or sweep and mop the floor. Around October 2019 after the death of my grandfather something shifted. I got a call from my dad and jumped on a plane that night to try and make it to see Grandpa before he passed as the doctors were sure that was the rout he was on. I was in Arizona for 5 days and when I came home I visited a friend. Through our conversation I realized just how burned out I was. How tired I was. Some of that of course was grief and dealing with my first "big loss" but I knew it was more than that! It was then that I decided to take care of me and my family first!


I know you may be thinking dah, that's what your supposed to do! But, to me, this is a big deal. I had to learn that I cannot do everything. I just cant. Don't get me wrong we were still busy, between after school activities like musical practice and rock climbing for my son and cheerleading for my daughter there is plenty of "mandatory" practices and activities, but I found myself turning down Sunday night dinner with dear friends of ours down the street. I wasn't doing the week night visits for girlfriends that I was before, and our weekend plans were more skeletal than normal. It was really nice, freeing almost and I was able to get a handle on things around home, as well as work through my sadness and grief. I needed the space and time!

While that all sounds great this was vastly different than what the people in our life were used to. I kept getting comments like "Man, where have you been?" or "Haven't seen you around in a while." or "I thought you were mad at us, you haven't been coming around." While I can appreciate the open communication from our friends I couldn't help but almost feel offended. These are my friends, how could they not be happy for me? How could they not see that I desperately needed this!? That's when I realized that it was in part my fault. If the whole relationship I have been one way and have not established good boundaries for myself and my family, of course that would be expected to be continued. It is up to you to set boundaries in your life that you are comfortable with. Boundaries that ensure that you have fun and are included, but not burnt out and overwhelmed.

Here's the thing. Its nobody elses job to take care of me and realize that I needed that time. Just like its not my job to make sure that everyone else is okay! *lightbulb* That being said, this is when I realized the epiphany in the first paragraph. When I started focusing on myself, my family, and my home that was thriving, and my other relationships were strained. I left dear friends thinking that I was mad, or didn't want to spend time with them.. Fail! In an effort to find a good balance I decided I don't need to be physically present or go to every gathering to make sure that we still have a connection to our friends and family. I just have to check in!

Checking in can be hard. We all have lives, but it only takes 5-15 seconds to send a text. I decided that as long as I was checking in via text with people we can still be connected. We can still catch up and know whats going on in each others lives. Because of who I am as a person I made a list of the people I want to check in with. When I have a moment waiting for the dogs to come in so we can leave, or waiting for kids to get shoes and coats on etc. I can look at my list in the notes app on my phone and shoot a quick text to someone. This by no means is a replacement for presence. There are times your presence is required. There are times you will have planned events. Go, have fun! Just know you don't have to and cannot do everything!

I hope you found this relate-able. More than that, I hope that you feel confident moving forward with creating your own balance and boundaries that work for you and your family!